To Pump or Not To Pump

     As with a lot of things in life, there are ups and downs.  These first few months have been full of them. Some days I feel very hopeful and positive, as if we are bigger then this diagnosis.  Other days it's hard to pull my feet out of the muck and take a step forward, the diagnosis is too big for me to carry.  Lately my feet have felt fairly stuck.
     My pumping days are numbered.  My theory is that after nursing my first daughter for 2 1/2 years my body is not fooled by the pump.  It's just not the same sensation.  But each day I wake up, take my herbs and pump 4-5 times.  At this point Freya is getting about half breast milk and half formula, and that's a good day.  I know from the core of my being that breast milk is the best for my baby.  But I can't help but wonder, as I look at Freya laying next to me while I strain to pump out an ounce and a half, at what point is it not worth it.  Quite often, as the pumps are rhythmically pumping away, Freya and I are left just looking at each other and I'm thinking of all the other things we could be doing; snuggling, playing, going for a walk or some physical therapy.  The actual time I spend pumping is almost 2 hours a day, and that's not including cleaning the pump parts or mixing the right amount of formula with the breast milk.  I just can't help but wonder sometimes if the time would be better spent in a different, more stimulating activity.  I didn't get a drop of breast milk and I've turned out ok.  Other times I snuggle her little 10 1/2 lb. body and wonder how I could leave her immune system defenseless or cut off the last physical connection between us.  So what if it takes me a total of a half an hour to get 1 1/2 oz. of milk, every little bit counts right?
     I'm trying a different herb blend and am being more careful about what goes into my body.  Sometimes I try to put Freya on my breast, but there's only so many times you can watch your baby make a disgusted face and pull away from you.  For now, I'm hanging in there with the pumping.  For now, the benefits out weigh the cost, or so I think.

We got the results from her sleep study.  That's a whole other issue, and another post.