Thursday, August 30, 2018

Fear, Doubt, Questioning

Fear, Doubt, Questioning
Fear, Doubt, Questioning

I have tried to write this post three times already and these are the words that keep appearing in my writing...


How do we move beyond that?  How do we, as the parents of these children who are so precious to us and need so much, how do we make the best decisions for them?  (Spoiler alert: there is no answer in this post.)

In my writing I keep trying to assess the details of Freya's life at the moment; How I am unsure if she will do well mainstreamed without an aid...How terrified I am, ultimately, to be doing so...How I watch so closely when I drop her off and pick her up from school and have yet to see a child run to her with excitement...How I see her watching these children in anticipation and her unacknowledged disappointment that they are running to each other instead of her...How excited she is to walk her little sister to the kindergarten class she was in last year, though her sister shrugs off her hugs...
How it is only day 3 and I want to yell at the gaggle of energetic children to look at her, LOOK AT HER...she just wants to play with you, she just wants to belong.

Perhaps I am being dramatic and have it all wrong.  Perhaps when I am not there the kids are trying to play with her and vie for her attention.  Perhaps her speech issues are not issues to them at all.  Perhaps her grief-filled sobs after the first day of school had nothing to do with anything.  Or perhaps they do.

Fear, Doubt, Questioning

I sometimes wonder if throwing her into the melee of 'typically developing' children is a good thing for her.  But then I ask myself, how could it not?  With a little extra help, she is smart enough.  With a little extra supervision, she can make friends.  But what happens when that little extra is not there?    

I've said it before...I miss Freya's special education teachers and therapists.  I miss knowing that I was placing her into the hands of people who have chosen to work with kids like her, kids that need extra.  The teachers at her present school have all been so kind, and loving, and helpful but...But...

Fear, Doubt, Questioning

We will never have this figured out.  This is the lesson I am learning.  We can pass over one hurdle after another, but more will always be in front of us.  Some will even knock us on our asses.  But we must always get up.  We must always keep moving forward.

For now that means pick up Freya from school and shower her with so much love and attention that she will be sure to remember there is always a place for her too.