My life these days is centered around pumping and feeding. If I'm not pumping, or feeding, I'm cleaning pump parts or counting time until Freya's next feeding and homeschooling our 7 year old. In some ways it may seem pleasant to have a baby that doesn't cry or fuss. Well, I guess I would say its the consolation prize. My baby doesn't cry and fuss and cause a huge distraction. She doesn't wake up every 15 minutes to squirm and cry for milk. My first one was a bit more like that, and it is hard, very hard. But there is a lot of pressure on a parent who's baby does not eat of her own free will. I set the alarm at night so I can wake up and feed her. The plus side is that I am assured sleep in 4 hours doses. The down side is that occasionally, when I've forgotten to turn the alarm on or turned it off in my sleep, I wake up frantic because it has been 6 hours since she has eaten. I jolt awake to find Freya sleeping peacefully by my side. I rush to get a bottle prepared and warmed as I berate myself for being irresponsible. But I am human. And while a 'normal' 4 month old can (if only we were all so lucky) sleep for 6 hour stretches without eating, it's yet another obstacle to the growth of my already small baby. Thankfully these moments are few and far between, but racked with guilt none the less.
There are times when Freya seems to be hungry and enjoying her bottle, when she sucks it down in 20 minutes. These moments are a blessing. There are times when she is too sleepy and getting her to eat is almost impossible. Sometimes the milk backs up in her throat without notice and she coughs and chokes and can't breathe. These moments are terrifying. Sometimes I struggle to get the last of her bottle into her, only to have her spit it back up. My life is ruled by Freya's feeding schedule, which unfortunately she couldn't care less about. But it's what parents do. We alter our lives for those of our children. We make sacrifices so that they may have the things they need. Our children's needs may seem unbearable at times; the crying, the whining, the struggle to feed. But for every moment when we feel as if we can't continue with this path, can't keep up with these struggles, there are countless other moments when our lives are so enriched by these little people we can't, nor care to, remember what life was like with out them. So, while my time is not my own these days, I look with joy on this being that has entered our lives. We are trying to prepare ourselves for the struggles we will face with her, but all the while revel in the joy and happiness she has and will continue to bring.
I remember this all too well. I remember waking up panicking in the middle of the night because I too had slept through my alarm and we hadn't fed Dean. :( Dean was on a G-tube and so I was pumping for the next feed while Bob would try the bottle and then tube him afterwards. And he never cried for a bottle. :( You're right, it's the consolation prize. This part does get easier!!! You're doing great.
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